I decided to save this Tweet thread here on my blog that I posted on January 1st, 2018, discussing the end of an eleven-year relationship with a good man. I may say more on it later. Right now, the pain is too real. It’s hard letting go even when you know it’s the right thing to do and have for a while. Especially when you can co-exist peaceably as good friends. It’s rough right now, but I am excited for the future, even though things like changing the sheets on the bed can send me into tears because of the sudden onset of loneliness. The situation is having a bit of an impact on my writing. My focus is skewed. This too shall pass.
As 2018 dawns, I find myself single for the first time since 2007. My partner and I are separating. It’s been unfolding for the last couple of weeks, but if we are honest with each other, the last few months, if not even a year or two. It’s easier to hold on than to let go.
Irreconcilable differences never made any sense to me, but now I understand. We spent all of our 20s together and have come to realize that we are not right for each other for our 30s.
To be honest, we fell out of love a long time ago. Romantic love anyway. We’re too young to be wasting our hearts & lives on each other & a deep friendship love in the guise of a romantic partnership neither of us are being fulfilled by. Despite how well we work(ed) together…
It’s 2018. We’re adults. There’s no animosity between us. The house is good for living separate lives as roommates for the time being. We have a decade together to slowly dismantle. Financials. Material things. Furbabies (this one kills me).
Yeah, it’s gonna be hella awkward at times. And hella difficult. Like last night when he came to the gig as my bassist & not my SO but we couldn’t help but share a brief kiss at midnight. Or when I cook dinner & we sit & watch our shows together. Old habits die hard.
But I am content, although terrified at times. I’m sure I’ll spend many more nights crying. But we each need to focus on ourselves. Something we haven’t been doing. I need the time to focus on ME. To figure some things out about my life and goals. And he needs to do the same.
I say all this here, because I need to say it somewhere. This is a test run for Facebook, where the world may burn when we make it official. People expect an engagement or a baby announcement from us. Not separation. While I don’t care what they think, people aren’t always kind.
I’m the one who’s going to be alienated. We live in his town. Near his family. And his friends. A place where people who separate don’t usually remain friends. The balance is going to shift. And it’s going to suck for me and make things way more difficult than they have to be.
But here’s a toast to 2018.
To fresh beginnings.
To self-discovery.
To letting the past die.
To comfortable old love.
To exciting new love.
To good friends.
To struggle.
To tears, happy and sad.
To music. To life.
To adventure.
To awkwardness.
To no regrets.
To forward motion.
I have mountains to climb. Rivers (and oceans) to cross. And maybe bridges to burn. But I can do it on my own.
I am strong. And I have awesome friends to give me a hand when I need it.
I have arrived 2018.
Alone, but never really.